Have you ever left a coffee date with a friend feeling more exhausted than uplifted? Or maybe you’ve started to dread seeing someone who used to make you laugh until your sides hurt. If so, you’re not alone. Unhealthy friendships can sneak up on even the most self-aware among us, quietly draining our energy and leaving us feeling depleted, anxious, or even guilty for wanting space.
For years, I prided myself on being the “good friend”—the one who always answered late-night texts, offered a listening ear, and forgave every slight. But eventually, I realized that not all friendships are created equal. Some relationships, no matter how long they’ve lasted, can become toxic or one-sided. Recognizing the red flags and setting healthy boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s essential for your well-being.
Let’s dive into three major signs that your friendship might be draining your energy, and what you can do to reclaim your peace.
1. The Friendship Feels One-Sided
One of the biggest red flags in unhealthy friendships is a lack of balance. Do you find yourself always being the listener, the problem-solver, or the emotional support, but rarely receiving the same in return? Maybe your friend only reaches out when they need something, or the conversation always circles back to their problems and achievements.
I remember a time when I realized I could predict the exact moment a friend would text me—it was always when she needed advice or someone to vent to. My own struggles, on the other hand, were met with quick platitudes or changed subjects. Over time, I started to feel invisible and undervalued.
Healthy friendships are reciprocal. While it’s natural for the balance to shift during tough times, a true friend is there for you, too. If you’re always giving and rarely receiving, it’s a sign that your emotional energy is being depleted.
2. You Feel Drained or Anxious After Interactions
Pay attention to how you feel after spending time with your friend. Do you leave feeling inspired, understood, and lighter—or do you feel tense, exhausted, or even guilty? Unhealthy friendships often leave us feeling worse, not better.
Sometimes, the signs are subtle. You might notice that you start to dread their calls or feel a sense of relief when plans get canceled. Or maybe you find yourself replaying conversations in your head, worrying if you said the wrong thing or if you’ll be judged. These are all signals from your body and mind that something isn’t right.
I once had a friend whose negativity was so pervasive that it felt like a dark cloud followed us everywhere. No matter how much I tried to cheer her up, the mood never lifted. I started to notice that my own mood would plummet after our hangouts, and I’d need hours—sometimes days—to recover.
If you consistently feel drained, anxious, or on edge after seeing someone, it’s a clear indicator that the friendship may be taking more than it gives.
3. Boundaries Are Ignored or Disrespected
Boundary setting is a cornerstone of healthy relationships, but in unhealthy friendships, boundaries are often ignored, dismissed, or outright violated. Maybe your friend pressures you to share things you’re not comfortable with, shows up unannounced, or demands your time and attention regardless of your own needs.
I once tried to set a simple boundary with a friend by asking for more notice before she dropped by my house. Instead of respecting my request, she laughed it off and continued to show up whenever she pleased. Over time, her disregard for my boundaries made me feel powerless and resentful.
A good friend will respect your limits, even if they don’t always understand them. If you feel guilty for saying “no,” or if your friend reacts with anger, manipulation, or passive-aggression when you try to set boundaries, that’s a major red flag.
What To Do If You Recognize These Signs
If you see yourself in any of these scenarios, know that you’re not alone—and you’re not a bad friend for wanting to protect your energy. Here are a few steps you can take:
- Reflect on your needs: What do you want from your friendships? What are your non-negotiables when it comes to respect and support?
- Communicate openly: If you feel safe, have an honest conversation with your friend about how you’re feeling. Use “I” statements and focus on your experiences.
- Set clear boundaries: Decide what behaviors you’re no longer willing to accept, and communicate them clearly. Remember, boundaries are for your well-being, not to punish others.
- Give yourself permission to step back: Sometimes, the healthiest choice is to take a break or even end a friendship that’s consistently draining.
You Deserve Friendships That Fill Your Cup
Friendships should be a source of joy, comfort, and mutual support—not a constant drain on your emotional reserves. Recognizing the signs of unhealthy friendships and setting boundaries is an act of self-love, not selfishness.
If you’re feeling depleted, trust your instincts. You deserve relationships that honor your energy, respect your boundaries, and help you become the best version of yourself. Letting go of draining friendships opens space for connections that truly nourish your soul.